Between Hallucinations And Real Life
by Greendayer92
Summary: "I don't know, man. Sometimes I need to have sex with a woman." That's it. That was the sentence Dean had said some weeks ago when he was pretty drunk. And Sam heard the sound of his heart breaking. Wincest. Rated T. A little of Destiel and Sam/Lucifer. Selfharm.


Hello everybody! This is been my first attempt to write in english. well, actually, it is a translation of one of my fanfiction. So, yeah, english is not my first language. But luckly I have a wonferful friend, birdie7272, who helped me to make this translation better. So, I cannot thank her enough for that. And, you, all of you who just opened this link, go reading her fanfictions! It's worth it! I just am in love with her works, above all her merlin fanfiction.

Anyway. This fiction is born thanks to a dream I had long time ago. When I woke up I remembered just the first sentence and then I started to create this little thing at 3 am lol. Lemme know if you like it! And, well, enjoy!

Warnings: First part of season 7. Rated T. Wincest. A little of Destiel and a very little of Sam/Lucifer. A little of selfharm too.

"I don't know, man. Sometimes I need to have sex with a woman."

That's it.

That was the sentence Dean had said some weeks ago when he was pretty drunk. And Sam heard the sound of his heart breaking.

Some months ago they discovered they were attracted to each other. Cas was dead after the purgatory disaster. There were no traces except for his trench coat, which Dean had picked up and secretly put in the back of his car. It was useless denying that Dean did not feel horrible about Castiel. About his betrayal with Crowley and his innocent egocentrism which caused the angel to become the new God. The hunter couldn't forgive him even when the angel wanted to make amends. He had told Cas that he was forgiven but both he and Cas didn't believe in those words. Both Sam and Bobby knew that very well.

Then it all happened so quickly. Cas disappeared and Dean realized he had forgiven the guy when he saw his trench coat. He realized he had forgiven him in the exact moment when those big blue eyes prayed for him to do so. But Cas had never known that and that was another thing Dean regretted so much.

Now Dean had no angel and his brother was suffering from hallucinations. And Sam was feeling guilty for some reason. The truth was that Sam secretly wished Dean would watch him in the same way he used to watch Cas. The youngest hunter had desired Dean before he could realize it in his mind. And Lucifer, in his mind, had started to play with his emotions. The fallen angel started to show him visions of Dean kissing him. Or Dean with a lot of women. Or Dean with Cas. Dean dead. Dean, Dean, and Dean, again and again and then Lucifer would tease him about it.

Every single monster in the planet knew that they were the major weaknesses of each other. But the kind of hell he was going through with Lucifer's visions was different.

Dean had found out about his hallucinations. Again, no thanks to himself, but thanks to Death. And he, of course, was pretty pissed off. Above all when Sam told him that he saw Lucifer. But against all expectations, Dean had been patient. His brother helped him understand what was real and what was not.

Lucifer in his head was pretending to be jealous and hurt, showing him visions of him and Sam having sex in a bed, or the both of them having sex with Dean, or Dean dead in the same bed. But Dean was there whispering, "Little steps, Sam," again and again. "Little steps, Sammy." And he believed him. He had believed him. At least until that moment when Dean had said those words. Was it true? Or was it another of Lucifer's hallucinations?

Sam clearly remembered when Dean had kissed him for the first time. He was having another vision and -from what Dean told him moments later- he was yelling at the air angrily,"Get away from Dean! You can't have him! He's mine! Get away from him!" Dean froze from surprise at those words and then he reached for Sam and kissed him, whispering in his right ear, "It's ok Sammy. This is real." And he had kissed him again, unable to separate himself from his little brother. And Sam had spent the most beautiful night of his life, feeling the kind of pleasure he thought he could never feel with his brother.

The next morning Sam told Dean everything and Dean felt so furious. "If only I could kill him! Damn it!" he had shouted. And then Dean tried to reassured him in every possible kind of way. Sam had not seen Lucifer anymore. Well, okay maybe sometimes, when the angel decided to stick his tongue out while Sam was kissing his brother.

Life went on in this way for some weeks until Dean said that bloody sentence.

 _I don't know, man. Sometimes I need to have sex with a woman._

Sam froze and gave a fake smile - and he was very good at that - and helped his big brother go to bed while Dean said something like "You know, boobs. I want to lick boobs and bite them and you know I would like to eat something else like..."

"OK! Ok! I understand. There's no need to go into details. Dude... how much did you drink?" Sam cut him off, almost yelling. He was trying to be calm, damn it! But seriously, Sam was a little worried, how many bottles of beer had his brother drunk? Dean was very good at holding alcohol. Sam took a big breath. What could he do? How could he understand what was real and what wasn't? He noticed that there were no traces of the fallen angel. But that meant nothing. The only thing he could do was lay himself comfortably down in the bed next to his brother and stare at the ceiling for the rest of the night.

In the next weeks, Sam never talked about that evening. But he refused to have sex or do any other kinds of things with Dean except for kissing. Dean said nothing about the strange behavior and Sam was glad for that.

Lucifer was back and he started teasing him again with more cruel visions. But this time Sam said nothing to his big brother. Not a single word. He was afraid that Dean felt obliged to do that kind of thing the first time. He was afraid that that was just another way to save his little brother and that Dean didn't want Sam for real. Not in a sexual way. After all, Dean had made a deal to save his life years ago, so what was having sex with him in comparison to offering his own life? It was nothing. It was a small sacrifice Dean could happily make without any kind of pain.

Sam couldn't stop thinking about that. Lucifer, of course, didn't help.

"You're right Sammy. Dean doesn't want you for real. You're forcing him. You're a bad little brother." Lucifer was near his left ear when he started to talk again. "You know, we should be together. So you could be my little giant pet. We could have some fun. I could tie you in a chair. I could fuck you and torture you." The angel laughed. "Oh, wait. I'm already torturing you."

Sam stared at Dean sleeping for a moment, then he wrung his hands in his hair desperately. He was sitting in a chair, incapable of sleeping like his brother.

"Go away, go away," he whispered, trying not to wake Dean up. But Lucifer wouldn't stop laughing. He ran into the bathroom, trying to shut Lucifer's laughter out. It wasn't working. He could still hear him. He rummaged through his bag, trying to find anything that would help make it stop or make it clear that it was not real. So, Sam, took a knife and cut his own arm. He was desperate. He was really going crazy. He couldn't stop himself from do it again and again. The physical pain helped to distract himself from Lucifer and the image of the angel disappeared. He let himself sitting down on the floor as he was watching his own cursed blood going down his arm. He wanted to scream and yell and calling his brother for help. But he just couldn't. Sam was petrified with terror in his heart. After some time, and it could be an hour or some minutes, Sam forced himself to call Bobby. He knew that he could help him reasoning with himself. Sam wanted to tell him everything. But what would Bobby think about he and Dean together as a couple? It was strange thinking about himself and his brother in that way. But it was kind of true. But his desperation was strong and so he did it. He called Bobby.

"Sam? Why are you calling me at 5am? Are you ok? Is Dean ok?"

"Yeah, yeah, Bobby. We're fine. We're both fine," he replied. He put his hand on the back of his neck, trying to remain calm.

"Balls. You're not okay. I can hear it in your voice".

"Yeah… right. Uhm, I'm having an hard time understanding what's real and what's not," he confessed.

"Where's Dean?"

"Uhm," and here Sam had no idea where to start. "I can't ask him for help. Listen Bobby…" he opted to do it his way, directly through deep sentimental topics, which Dean hated so much. "Me and Dean…We, uhm, we became very close some months ago. I mean…physically close, very physically…"

"Oh my God. Please, don't say anything else. I don't need details, boy. Well, that's new. I thought you were already together."

Sam was a little lost. "What?"

"Oh, don't play innocent. You two have behaved like a married couple since ever. And if Dean had fallen in love with Cas… this is another discussion."

Sam was silent. He didn't know what to say for a little while.

"So? What happened between you two?"

"Ah, yeah. Well, some weeks ago Dean said something like 'Sometimes I need to have sex with a woman'. He was pretty drunk and I don't know if it was a vision or not."

"Why do you have doubts?" the man asked curiously.

Sam blushed. "Because, Lucifer often shows me Dean…"

"OK! Ok! I understood. Spare me the details, boy. Well, what are you waiting for? You don't have to talk with me, idjit! Go talk to your boyfriend or brother or whatever." And Bobby ended the call.

Oh, well, that was quite real, thought Sam. He took a long deep breath and opened the door. Dean was in front of him, half naked, ready to knock.

"Oh…Dean," he said awkwardly. "Did you hear that?"

"I heard enough," was the answer and Sam knew that 'enough' meant 'everything'.

"Hallucinations, Sam? Again? Really? How many times do we have to say 'no more lies' before actually meaning it?"

Despite everything, and Sam knew that his brother was right, he couldn't help feeling angry. "Maybe next time, when you first start telling me that you wanna have sex with girls."

Dean was lost for a little while. What the hell was that talking about? "What? When would I have said that?"

"Well, I don't know," Sam started with sarcasm in his voice. "Maybe some weeks ago when you were drunk?"

"Dude…I never have touched a girl since…well, you know what. Fuck, I haven't touched a girl in ages. Maybe from the first time I met Cas. Before we…" there was a moment of silence in which Sam didn't know what to say. He felt guilty bringing up this discussion if it meant talking about the lost angel.

"Look Dean…I'm sorry. It's just that Lucifer is driving me crazy and I feel so confused most of the time and then you say something like that and I don't know what to think anymore."

Dean stared at him with surprise in his eyes. "So you still see him," and was it jealousy what Sam saw in those beautiful green eyes? The older hunter pushed him into the wall. And then he felt Dean's lips on his own, kissing him so hard that he moaned. "You can tell your fallen angel that you're mine. Do you understand?"

A smile crossed Sam's lips, glad to hear those words. "And all the other girls?"

Dean groaned in frustration "Damn it Sam! There's no 'other girls'! Don't worry about what I said. I was drunk and I spent almost my entire life fuckin girls. But now, after Cas and… these last weeks. I…I just want you."

Sam stared at him in silence. He saw Dean's eyes getting lost in thought and before his brother could realize it, he was giving a straight confession. "I…I always have been jealous. I always teased you about your lack of sex life. But the truth is that I was happy you had no girls around you. I saw you growing up, Sammy. My little brother becoming a real man and… damn it! I always wanted to kiss you and do other things with you. 'Take care of Sammy'. Dad's words are always in my mind but I never realized what that meant until the first time I kissed you. In that moment I realized that I wanted to stay with you since ever. Ok, there's been Cassie and Lisa but they meant nothing to me. I was just trying to ignore what I was feeling for you and for…Cas. And then there were all of those girls around you… Meg, Ruby… and Lucifer. And I was so angry, so furious. But I was just jealous that they could touch you and kiss you. But now you're mine Sammy. In one way or another, you've always been mine. And I proved it to you some months ago. You're mine and there's no fallen angel that can take you away from me. Even Cas is…gone. Even if I…" Dean closed his eyes. He was lost for words.

Sam knew without needing to hear anything else. Cas had been the only one who Dean had loved for real. They shared a bond that no one could understand. Everyone knew about that: demons, angels and both Bobby and himself. Dean and Cas didn't know how to explain that bond – though Cas said something about it once. They felt it and that was it. But Sam didn't feel betrayed or less loved. He never felt jealous. Dean had always showed him how much he loved him. Even with Cas in their life. Because Dean was that kind of person, who always loved someone before he could realize his own feelings.

So Sam took Dean's cheeks in his hands and stared at him. "I know," he whispered on his brother's lips. "I know this is real."

Dean smiled with watery eyes and stared at his brother and he kissed him like he was the most important thing in the whole world. And for Dean Winchester that was true. And Sam had no more doubts about knowing what was real. At least until Lucifer showed him some other tricks. But Dean always knew how to help his little brother.

A.N: "He let himself sitting down on the floor as he was watching his own cursed blood going down his arm. He wanted to scream and yell and calling his brother for help. But he just couldn't. Sam was petrified with terror in his heart. After some time, and it could be an hour or some minutes, Sam forced himself to call Bobby. He knew that he could help him reasoning with himself." So, I added this scene after my friend corrected everything. So, well, if there are some mistakes, it's my fault not hers xD


End file.
